Oh, Dear C., you are not alone. My older brother was also a sociopath, from the time we were small children until he died at 53 as a result of a lifetime of alcohol and drug use. And my parents always, always, bailed him out, backed him up, made excuses for him. And they leaned hard on me, even after I finally revealed to them that he began sexually abusing me when I was only 3 or 4 years old, to "forgive" and "reconcile" so that they could have some sort of Rockwell-esque family experience that was literally never our family ever. To be clear, my brother never, ever had a single smidgen of true remorse for anything he ever did to me. Atonement was a foreign concept completely. And our parents knew that and they still felt it was my job to be the "bigger person."
Despite their guilting, emotional blackmail, and manipulation I love my folks. They came up in a world where therapy and deep introspection and prioritizing self-love over martyrdom weren't a thing. They loved me tremendously, but their emotional capacity to handle reality constructively did not ever measure up to their love. That paradox took me years to fully understand and appreciate. Now, at nearly 50, with my father and my brother both dead and buried, I can believe that both my parents loved me, always, even though they couldn't always show up for me the way I wanted them to. My mom tries still, but she can only be the one she is, and often misses the mark. My brother was simply an evil bastard, and quite honestly, I'm glad he's dead.
My parents never, ever understood the boundaries that I set with them in order to keep my brother as far away from me as possible. They always processed my boundaries as a judgment of them. Both things were, for many years, heartbreaking. But the life I got to build for myself by getting out from under that family dynamic was worth every moment of heartbreak. I wouldn't take any of it back, nor should you. You deserve a life filled with love and light and health and vibrancy. The only way you will get it is by claiming it and refusing to back down no matter how much it hurts. Your responsibility is to steward your own life, to defend the rights of your own precious heart. I'm sorry your parents can't help you with that because they are trapped in this soul-sucking dynamic with your brother, but they are adults. They make their own choices. Now, you have to make yours. It will be worth it, I promise. Much love to you.
Oh man. My situation’s reversed — terrorizing parents, but grieving because I want the togetherness with the rest of my family. Exiling ourselves from our abusive families is torture. But necessary torture. My heart is breaking in solidarity with C.
I've always been a fan, but this bit "....boundaries have nothing to do with whether you love someone or not. They are not judgments, punishments, or betrayals. They are a purely peaceable thing: the basic principles you identify for yourself that define the behaviors that you will tolerate from others, as well as the responses you will have to those behaviors." made me a subscriber. Thank you!
Telling and sharing our honest stories allows the world to process the pain that we cannot. Yay for Dear Sugar!
I'm no longer making room for my abusive step-father and I despise when someone points out to me that he's just hurting and "have compassion for him". Nope. I just cannot care, because he is actively abusive and I will not accommodate abuse any more, even though that means largely losing my relationship with my mom along with it. These days I'm mourning the loss and starting to live in self-compassion at a whole nother level. It's an entirely better way of life!
Reading C's letter, as part of the world out here, I can assume the abusive, sociopathic brother was traumatized as a young kid. Who knows how or what? Maybe the parents do, and they're trapped in codependency. He was their baby at some point. He was clearly never met and held truly safe and became this inevitable lost monster.
And none of that is C's responsibility. She owes nothing to that family dynamic. It is toxic and will not be helped by her involvement. I think part of what toxically glues families together in these maddening codependent patterns is feeling/believing responsibility for each other, wanting to matter to them and be helpful. But when we surrender our broken hearted longing to the world, by telling it and believing ourselves, when we go ahead and matter to ourselves(!!) then the world gets to show up in service to our freedom. The world can tend to its monsters, releasing each of us from that daunting, crushing, family responsibility thing.
I’m going to start thinking of my life as a “glorious something else.” Wishing you and all of your wonderful commenters a warm holiday. (Also, tickled to be the second Asha here.)
Oh, Dear C., you are not alone. My older brother was also a sociopath, from the time we were small children until he died at 53 as a result of a lifetime of alcohol and drug use. And my parents always, always, bailed him out, backed him up, made excuses for him. And they leaned hard on me, even after I finally revealed to them that he began sexually abusing me when I was only 3 or 4 years old, to "forgive" and "reconcile" so that they could have some sort of Rockwell-esque family experience that was literally never our family ever. To be clear, my brother never, ever had a single smidgen of true remorse for anything he ever did to me. Atonement was a foreign concept completely. And our parents knew that and they still felt it was my job to be the "bigger person."
Despite their guilting, emotional blackmail, and manipulation I love my folks. They came up in a world where therapy and deep introspection and prioritizing self-love over martyrdom weren't a thing. They loved me tremendously, but their emotional capacity to handle reality constructively did not ever measure up to their love. That paradox took me years to fully understand and appreciate. Now, at nearly 50, with my father and my brother both dead and buried, I can believe that both my parents loved me, always, even though they couldn't always show up for me the way I wanted them to. My mom tries still, but she can only be the one she is, and often misses the mark. My brother was simply an evil bastard, and quite honestly, I'm glad he's dead.
My parents never, ever understood the boundaries that I set with them in order to keep my brother as far away from me as possible. They always processed my boundaries as a judgment of them. Both things were, for many years, heartbreaking. But the life I got to build for myself by getting out from under that family dynamic was worth every moment of heartbreak. I wouldn't take any of it back, nor should you. You deserve a life filled with love and light and health and vibrancy. The only way you will get it is by claiming it and refusing to back down no matter how much it hurts. Your responsibility is to steward your own life, to defend the rights of your own precious heart. I'm sorry your parents can't help you with that because they are trapped in this soul-sucking dynamic with your brother, but they are adults. They make their own choices. Now, you have to make yours. It will be worth it, I promise. Much love to you.
“Stuff her stocking” 😆😆😆
I so want to know what happened to Dear C. and that she is ok (and those poor kids are ok). :(
Oh man. My situation’s reversed — terrorizing parents, but grieving because I want the togetherness with the rest of my family. Exiling ourselves from our abusive families is torture. But necessary torture. My heart is breaking in solidarity with C.
I've always been a fan, but this bit "....boundaries have nothing to do with whether you love someone or not. They are not judgments, punishments, or betrayals. They are a purely peaceable thing: the basic principles you identify for yourself that define the behaviors that you will tolerate from others, as well as the responses you will have to those behaviors." made me a subscriber. Thank you!
Telling and sharing our honest stories allows the world to process the pain that we cannot. Yay for Dear Sugar!
I'm no longer making room for my abusive step-father and I despise when someone points out to me that he's just hurting and "have compassion for him". Nope. I just cannot care, because he is actively abusive and I will not accommodate abuse any more, even though that means largely losing my relationship with my mom along with it. These days I'm mourning the loss and starting to live in self-compassion at a whole nother level. It's an entirely better way of life!
Reading C's letter, as part of the world out here, I can assume the abusive, sociopathic brother was traumatized as a young kid. Who knows how or what? Maybe the parents do, and they're trapped in codependency. He was their baby at some point. He was clearly never met and held truly safe and became this inevitable lost monster.
And none of that is C's responsibility. She owes nothing to that family dynamic. It is toxic and will not be helped by her involvement. I think part of what toxically glues families together in these maddening codependent patterns is feeling/believing responsibility for each other, wanting to matter to them and be helpful. But when we surrender our broken hearted longing to the world, by telling it and believing ourselves, when we go ahead and matter to ourselves(!!) then the world gets to show up in service to our freedom. The world can tend to its monsters, releasing each of us from that daunting, crushing, family responsibility thing.
C, I'm wishing you freedom for Christmas!
I’m going to start thinking of my life as a “glorious something else.” Wishing you and all of your wonderful commenters a warm holiday. (Also, tickled to be the second Asha here.)
Thank you, so much, for sharing these two letters. Whew. Have a good Christmas with Oscar and your other two cats, sorry forgot their names.